Shhhh… Don’t Telo!

***UNCENSORED***

Sunday was a great day. I learned that tofu is still disgusting and mirrors on ceilings are amazing.

I met a lady friend over in Barrio Chino for some delightful asian cuisine and followed it up with a little afternoon delight in a Belgrano telo. I know what you’re thinking… is he really going to talk about his ventures in BA’s Chinatown!?? No, I wouldn’t think of it, that’s a personal matter, but I will tell you about my sunday afternoon in a shady pay-by-the-hour hotel room.

First, let me explain what a telo is. Remember me talking about the passion of the Argentine people? Well that passion is everywhere. In the streets, parks and in restaurant you see lovers young and old throwing wind to public courtesy for some good ‘ol tonsil hockey action. Well where do you go when you want to take that heavy petting to the next level? You can’t go home. Most 20-somethings here in Argentina still live with their parents. So, if their parents are anything like my mom, they can’t have the opposite sex in their bedroom or even alone in a room for an extended period of time.

What’s the answer?

Telos my friends, telos. Argentine pig-latin for ‘hotel’,  a telo or transitorio is, simply put, a pay-as-you-go hotel for some steamy adult action. Some are cheap and somewhat seedy while others are used by film stars and politicians and boast every luxury imaginable. They are however all anonymous, discreet and open 24/7, with hidden parking lots underground or around back. These transitorios aren’t just reserved for whores either, like you would find in the seedy Motel 6’s back in the states. Young horn-balls, cheating lovers and married couples alike seek out some private TLC at these sexual safe havens.

They feature such things as their own branded condoms, porn on the TVs and mirrors everywhere. Some even have Jacuzzis, costumes for role-playing, cameras, themed rooms and so on. For example, some telos allow you to play out your fantasy as Julius Cesar in a Roman Style suite or you can blast off as Neil Armstrong in a spaceship styled pad. Also, depending on the place, room service is usually very accommodating. You can order anything from champagne and chocolates to hamburgers and dildos.  In most telos there’s a hole in the wall with an airlock system to save you the stress of answering the door mid-session with nothing more than a rubber mask or whip cream bikini on. The service staff opens the cabinet from outside the room and places whatever it is inside. When everything is clear you can then open the cabinet from your side to retrieve your goodies.

All this greatness won’t break the bank either. A standard hour in a normal room will cost anything from $7-20 USD, and even the most luxurious overnight stays with breakfast in bed the next day won’t run more than $50 USD. You can compare Telo room rates against traditional hotel listing in Argentina.

Now that we cleared that up, here’s my Telo Tale…

After some great green tea and terrible tofu we made our way out of China town and across the Belgrano train station to a small park for a few hours before I had to work. However, Given the beautiful day and vibrant energy, plans quickly changed and we decided to work on my checklist and loose my telo virginity.

So, we left the sunshine and open air for some AC and boarded up windows.

Somehow my lady friend knew exactly where one was nearby. I decided it would be best if I didn’t ask how she knew. About 10 blocks away and through a farmers market we approached a quiet little side street littered with people enjoying the day outside drinking cafe with friends. As she told me we were getting closer I decided to make a kiosko pit stop for some essentials because I really wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into.

We approached in unmarked building with a big wooden, windowless door and a simple sign that said “Playa Privada” (Private Parking). I could tell this was the spot because all of a sudden my companion got real quiet and embarrassed. You could walk right by the place if you’re not aware of the tell-tale signs, which in most cases is a colored light out front, either red, blue, or in our case green!  There was a cafe right across the street with a table full of old men who seemed to get a kick out of watching people come and go. I slipped them a thumbs up as I walked in behind my timid leader.

We made our way down a narrow white hallway towards a darkly tinted window she told me that she didn’t want to speak to the front-desk lady. “Tranquilo” I giggled as I walked up to the window. There was one laminated sheet of paper next to the “check-in” microphone with a chart of the room rates. Being on a tight budget and limited time I chose the cheapest room (A$R70) which gave us about 3 hours. I looked over for confirmation from my partner in crime who was out of view of the window and still touting sunglasses.

I exchanged the money for a slip with a room number on it from a nice young woman and we were off to the first floor (2nd).

At first glance as I open the door to our sin palace everything seemed like a normal hotel room. However, as I toured around I quickly realized the heightened sexual decor. There was no natural light and you couldn’t open any windows. Yet, you could change the lights a million different ways from dimmed to red. A sex toy/video menu right next to the food menu on the first nightstand and on the other was simply an ash tray, remote control and telo branded condom.

Everything from towels to the toilets were wrapped and labeled “sterilized”, so that made us both feel nice. We called down for some AC. and within minutes the room was 10 degrees cooler.

After about two hours of enjoying the comforts of the air conditioned hanky panky oasis we emerged feeling relaxed and well rested.

Although I’ve been told the telos can get real crowded and sometimes couples have to even wait in lines, the only time we saw anyone else was on our way out. We passed by another young couple entering as I turned in my room number slip and it took everything I had not to give the guy a high five!

Telos are spontaneous and mysterious, they’re safe yet make you feel dangerous. Truly orgasmic fun. Do it.

They even give you a 30% discount card for next time!!! Jackpot.

OTHER GREAT TELO ARTICLES:

Underground BA: Telos

El Beso and after

AWESOME TELO LINKS: You have to check out some of the rooms of these places.

LOS JARDINES DE BABILONIA

HOTEL NOS

PINK HOTEL

RAMPA CAR

Alberguest Transitorios

Tarjeta Tentaciones

Gareth

My name is Gareth Leonard, a Marketing Director turned World Traveler with a passion for slow, meaningful travel. I have been traveling the world full-time for the past 9+ years and document it all on Instagram and YouTube. Come join me!